The Human & the Holy

Sacred Words & Holy Listening
Guidelines and Principles for Companion Circles

by Dan Miller, Ph.D.

The word companion comes from two Latin words, com- with, and panis- meaning bread. A companion is someone with whom we dare to break and share bread. The word companion, of course, is kin to the word accompaniment. At the heart of H&H in particular and of the life of faith in general, is the graced honor and responsibility to accompany one another as we strive to “act justly, love kindly, and walk humbly with [our] God.”

Accompaniment or walking together or being with is the mystery and manner of God’s love for us in Jesus. During Advent we refer to the coming Christ as Emmanuel, God-with-us, suggesting among other things that we are saved by an act of solidarity, an act of withness and presence. It is this same compassionate presence, this joining together that we hope is the hallmark of our gatherings. The following are some guidelines and principles for us to pay attention to as we accompany one another.

STRUGGLE and HOPE Each one of us lives between the poles of struggle and hope as we do together as a community of faith. We need each other to insure that the struggle does not eclipse our hope and to guard against any cheapening of our hope which would divert us from what is essential and transformative in the struggle.

IMAGO DEI Everything we do begins with the conviction that each and every person is created in the image of God. Each person is a one-of-a-kind, unrepeatable miracle, a precious jewel. Each person is a tabernacle in whose presence God dwells and before whom we should be constantly amazed and grateful. This is easy when we are naturally attracted to or agree with others, but it is much harder to live this out when people and/or their views are different from ours. In these cases, imago Dei becomes more than an abstract theological doctrine. It is an invitation and challenge to reverence and respect each person regardless of divergent personalities, interests, backgrounds, beliefs, or world view.

SANCTUARY A sanctuary is a sacred dwelling made so especially by the fact that it is a safe place where all life forms can find refuge. My intention and hope is that H&H can become a peopled-environment where we experience refuge. A sanctuary is a holding place for life, not an escape from life. It is a place where people can be themselves and thrive. The human qualities that help make a sanctuary are humility, reverence, respect, attentive presence, genuineness, understanding, honesty, humor, kindness, nonjudgment, compassion, and care. Finally, confidentiality, literally meaning with trust or with faith, is required for our conversations to be experienced as safe. Personal sharing that occurs at H&H is to remain there unless you personally receive permission from that person to do otherwise. This is a basic but essential agreement that we make as we gather together.

SILENCE Meister Eckhart once said that there is nothing that resembles God more than silence. Silence in life is not the absence of sound anymore than silence in prayer is the absence of God. Silence is that place of deepest truth and daring vulnerability. To be silent is not merely to be quiet but to be open, receptive, and engaged. Contemplative silence, that is, silence that is intentionally prayerful and God-inspired, is the place from which we both listen and speak. As listening, it helps us lovingly attend to the other. As the soil from which our words come, it enhances the quality of our conversation and insures that it is more than merely swapping information. Extroverts must be aware of and monitor their tendency or need to speak too soon without first listening to themselves, God, and others. Introverts must be aware of and monitor their tendency or need to hold back thus yielding their responsibility in the group to others.

PRESENCE Brother Lawrence wrote about “practicing the presence of God.” What makes for sacred conversation is contemplative and compassionate presence. To be present to another is to give them our full attention, without judgment. We do not look for what is right or wrong, but simply listen to another and receive “what is” in love.

HOLY LISTENING A graced discipline, listening involves reverent engagement and a spirit of gentle invitation. Contemplative listening is not only receptive, but also an active way that we “hear others into speech.” It requires our full attention, therefore we will need to be aware of emotions and thoughts that distract us and pull us away from the other. Common distractions are reactions rooted in unconscious feelings that disrupt and interfere with our ability to be present and listen well (e.g. jealousy, anger, judgment, prejudice or mannerisms such as sighing, shaking one’s head disapprovingly, rolling one’s eyes, or raising one’s eyebrows). Another typical distraction is thinking about and formulating what we are going to say instead of listening to the person speaking. As a prayerful posture, holy listening is our willingness and intention to be present, open, reverent, nonjudgmental, and compassionate.

SACRED SPEAKING There is a Zen saying that before persons speak their words must first pass through three gates each posted with a separate sign. The three signs are: Is it necessary? Is it helpful? Is it kind? In H&H we want our conversation to be natural, honest, earthy, but not frivolous. It would be better to share silence together than to resort to talking about something that pulls you away from the focus. Holy speech comes from a deeper place than idle chatter. It is neither marked by saccharine piety nor heady heaviness but thoughtfulness and genuineness. It is very important when we speak our truth and name our experience, that we do so without engaging in advice-giving, theological debate, and efforts to fix, rescue, or convince others. Our conversations should be devoid of judgment. Other essential ingredients to insure that our dialogues are holy are:

being clear about the instructions before speaking
staying focused
making sure everyone gets an opportunity to speak
using “I” statements instead of the universal “we” or “you”
avoiding side bar conversations and
avoiding interrupting
and not being afraid of silence.

© Daniel J. Miller, 2011, 2014.