Recently I was sitting with someone in spiritual direction and I offered that on either side of knowing ourselves as the beloved of God are two temptations and tendencies that in fact are two aspects of the same trap: (1) mistaking our true identities with the negative messages that have come and/or continue to come our way by those around us or from the messages of the dominant culture that bombard us, or (2) over-identifying with those positive, inflating  messages that come from others .

It is important (and freeing) to realize that ultimately we are neither the sum total of what we do or fail to do nor of what others think of us. Our belovedness is a God-given reality and does not depend on what we do or do not do.

Therefore, to strive consciously or unconsciously to be liked, to be affirmed, to be stroked, to succeed, to be popular, to appear together or affluent or brilliant are merely the flip side of our living lives that are knowingly and unknowingly a reaction to having been deprived of attention, nurturance, affirmation, support, celebration, or love. Many people who carry wounds from childhood and adolescence from not being seen, celebrated, or loved overcompensate by seeking out ways to be recognized, affirmed, validated, and appreciated.

And yet, to be falsely inflated by what others think of us because of what we do is in reality only the flip side of allowing ourselves to believe we are the negative messages we once received. It gives too much power and credence to those to whom it does not belong. When we are young, we need nurturance, acceptance, understanding, affirmation for who we are and who we are becoming, and above all love. But when we are older, we need to be careful not to allow ourselves to think who we are is exhausted by the best things we have done or the worst things we have done. Henri Nouwen says something similar in his book, The Awakened Heart. He writes:

“Compulsive’ is indeed the best adjective for the false self. It points to the need for ongoing and increasing affirmation. Who am I? I am the one who is liked, praised, admired, disliked, hated or despised. Whether I am a pianist, a business[person] or a minister, what matters is how I am perceived by my world. If being busy is a good thing, then I must be busy. If having money is a sign of real freedom, then I must claim my money. If knowing many people proves my importance, I will have to make the necessary contacts. The compulsion manifests itself in the lurking fear of failing and the steady urge to prevent this by gathering more of the same—more work, more money, more friends.” (emphasis mine)

Solitude is that sacred space where we sit silently in the stillness and allow God to reveal to us from the inside out who we truly are. This is one of the reasons Fr. Thomas Keating refers to centering prayer as “divine therapy,” because regularly being still in the loving, healing presence of God is both to be known by God and to know ourselves more and more as God knows us. This frees us from being overly inflated by compliments, awards, and accolades or severely deflated by constant criticism, ridicule, or neglect. We are not who others perceive or decide us to be.♦

Today’s Mantra:     Blessed and broken, I am a peculiar treasure and the image of God.