Thursday, November 3, 2016
A Divine-Human Dispatch

This just in — much to the chagrin and embarrassment of Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, Christopher Hitchens (God rest his soul), and minor leaguers Bill Maher and Penn & Teller, it was verified late last night not only that God is real but that God is a Chicago Cubs fan.

The long suffering Cubs and their persevering, indulgence-accumulating fans, ended a 108 year old drought since their last World Series Championship in 1908 by defeating the Cleveland Indians in a 10 inning, 10 drinks, tension-filled, rain-delayed, 10 finger nail biter by the score of 8-7. Harry Carey was heard to be rolling over in his grave and ascending at last to the celestial broadcasting booth. All the Souls of the faithfully departed Cubs — from Ron Santo to Ernie Banks all the way back to the likes of Hippo Vaughn and Gabby Hartnett to Modecai Brown and Cap Anson to Tinkers to Evers to Chance, were reportedly dancing in the heavenly clubhouse and spraying cheap champagne on one another as the Cubby hoopla spilled out among the loyal, long-suffering Cub fans who were jigging and shimmying and swirling like delirious dervishes in the streets of paradise.

But how did this thaumaturgy happen? How did this wonder-filled drama that surpassed the phenomenal feat of the 1969 Miracle Mets and the 2004 Boston Red Sox who undid the “curse of the Bambino” take place.

After the game, Manager Joe Madden explained to a small cohort of Chicago sportswriters. Madden said, “I sent our bat boy, Charlie Olfansky, in to the clubhouse to get some extra towels as the players were having a hard time gripping the bat when the weather turned foul as did the score when the Indians climbed back from a four run deficit to tie the score at 6 apiece.”

Suddenly Madden grew quiet, looked around, and quietly continued. “I can only tell you what Charlie told me. And he’s a reliable, honest young man. Not being familiar with the Cleveland Indian’s locker room, he found his way to an old, unused equipment storage room where he heard a muffled moaning. Opening the door, he found not towels but the — I swear to— he found totally by accident really I AM WHO AM,” to which the reporters in unison said, “Huh?”

“He found Adonai, Jehovah Rappha, the Ancient of Days, El Chuwl, Kurios Theos Pantokrator, the Alpha and the Omega, the Healer of Woes, My Rock and my Salvation! Did you hear me?” Madden’s voice now rising. “Do you get it? I sent him to find some towels and he found the God of Tinkers to Evers to Chance, man! The Light of the World, the Light of Chicago!”

The reporters looked befuddled. Madden continued, “It seems that due to some long standing beef between one of the Cleveland Indians coaches and the Holy One after a long losing streak back in the early 1920’s, the coach locked the Most High in a storage room and posted a “DO NOT ENTER” sign on the door. I said Charlie was an honest young man. I didn’t say he could read.That’s why the prayers of the Cub’s fans fell on deaf ears and why they began to question — not the Cubs — never the Cubs, but the existence and mercy of God. But all that changed tonight.”

“What happened next?” a reporter asked.

“Well, that’s when the Maker of Heaven and Earth, arranged for a downpour over Cleveland resulting in a rain delay so we could gather our wits about us after letting the Indians back in the game, change the momentum. In the meantime, the Loving Creator quickly fashioned a bat out of a tree of Lebanon for Ben Zobrist who proceeded to knock in the winning run and the rest, as they say, is history. The emancipation of God by ol’ Charlie Olfansky led to the emancipation of the Cubs and All the Souls, living and dead, of diehard– no, the hearts of never say die– Cubs fans on earth as it is in heaven.”

And the reporters all said, “Amen!”

~ You heard it here from a 61 year old man who grew up without a major league team (the 1969 Seattle Pilots don’t qualify as a major league baseball team) and rooted for the Banks, Santo, Jenkins, Williams, Kessinger Cubs in the 1960’s and early 70’s.