They say that Doubting Thomas was a twin.
Funny how I look like him.
~ djm

No heart is as whole as a broken heart and I would say
no faith is as solid as a wounded faith.
~ Elie Weisel

When I was in graduate school for theology I remember going to some friend’s home for a “dinner party.” Earlier in the day, the husband of the couple had gotten to the record store first thing in the morning in order to buy U2’s album Joshua Tree as soon as it came out. Our hosts had a great stereo with large speakers and I recall the first time I heard the song “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” — at full volume. Lead singer, Bono, sang it in his highest register and full voiced, just this side of a scream. It felt like being taken up in a whirlwind. Afterward, one of the musicians in our group of friend’s said, “Man! That refrain — that’s so gutsy.” Or did he say ballsy or brave or audacious or bold or fearless. I think he said fearless. But, if asked, I don’t think Bono would have used any of these words. I think he would have said simply, I was just being honest.

One thing many Christians get wrong is their belief that doubt is the nemesis of faith. It isn’t. In fact, as the wise ones show and tell us again and again, doubt helps faith to grow up. Doubt is to faith what an oystered-irritant is to a pearl. No friction, no pearl of great price. No doubt, no faith that is real, credible, sustaining while being vulnerable. Unfortunately, faith too often is mistakenly reduced to intellectual assent of propositions when it has to do with the orientation of one’s life and the investment of that life. The great 20th century Protestant theologian Paul Tillich said that doubt is not the opposite of faith, but an element of faith. In his book New Seeds of Contemplation, the great 20th century Catholic spiritual master Thomas Merton wrote something similar: “This doubt is by no means opposed to genuine faith, but it mercilessly examines and questions the spurious “faith” of everyday life, the human faith which is nothing but the passive acceptance of conventional opinion.”

Another misconception is that faith is an unchanging commodity that you need to protect. Writer and minister Frederick Buechner addresses this mistaken notion: “Faith is better understood as a verb than as a noun, as a process than as a possession. It is on-again-off-again rather than once-and-for-all.” By “on-again-off-again” he does not mean either that it is lukewarm or casual. He means that it has seasons and each season has its own unique conditions to which faith is invited or required to engage.

Perhaps because all the members of U2 are Irish (three self-identifying from their teens as Christians) who grew up in Ireland during The Troubles, they had no warm-fuzzy, pollyannaish idea of faith or what living the Christ-life entailed. Add to this the early death of Bono’s mother when he was just fourteen. So they were well-acquainted with the world’s chaos, violence, death, grief, and fear. This was the early formative context of their faith.

The group’s manager loved gospel music and encouraged the band to bring some of that gospel feel into the Joshua Tree album. They viewed “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For,” in particular, as their version of a gospel song. It’s one-part praise and one-part lament. It’s both a confession of faith, and a confession of doubt. It’s a confession of doubt and plaintive yearning in the face of faith, not in replace of faith. Bono has referred to it as “a gospel song with a restless spirit,”  what theologian Sarah Dylan Breuer called “an expression of spiritual joy and disappointment.” When interviewed by Rolling Stone, Bono admitted “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is “an anthem of doubt more than faith.” Given Bono and his bandmates’ back story, I suspect the object of their doubt is less God than life itself. Is life the greatest power in the world? Will good win. In the existential arm wrestling match between love and hate whose arm gets pinned? Will the senseless bloodshed ever end and will peace, shalom, ever be a reality and not merely a bumper sticker, a pipe dream, a delusional Shangri la?

Contrary to yet one more misunderstanding, faith doesn’t negate one’s yearning. It clarifies and intensifies it. It gives a glimpse of the basilea tou theou (reign of God), the dream of God coming true, coming to fruition when, unlike the turbulence, murder, and hate of The Troubles, all will be one “on earth as it is in heaven.” As Bono sings it

Bono, the primary lyricist of the group, has said that their songs are “prayers of a kind.” Any prayer that lacks honesty is nullified. Honesty is both the starting point and the integral thread that holds genuine prayer together whether it be a prayer of thanks, praise, intercession, disappointment, anguish, lament, or yearning.

As we approach the completion of one year of Covid-enforced living, it is not so hard to hear the honest confession of faith but also to feel the yearning and the pain and resonate with Bono’s cry of the heart. And yet, as they said, it’s a gospel song, and gospel (Greek, euaggélion) means “good news.” It is no accident, but rather illuminative, that gospel music was born in the cotton fields by an enslaved people and not in the suburbs of nonchalant privilege. In the film The Commitments, set in the Northside of Dublin, the main character Jimmy Rabbitte says, “The Irish are the blacks of Europe. And the Dubliners are the blacks of Ireland. And the Northside Dubliners are the blacks of Dublin. So say it once and say it loud, I’m black and I’m proud.” It is no wonder that U2 were drawn to American soul music from the 1960’s performed by black artists as well as gospel music cominforth from black churches. They only knew a good news that was born and bred and bled and bore fruit in and through the solidness and solidarity of a wounded faith. The blessed tension of life and faith is the courage not to turn away but rather to live in the in-between of the already and the not yet.

I love the above rehearsal for its informality and spontaneity. Yet, as I discovered, it is in 3rd gear. To see The New Voices of Freedom Gospel Choir in 5th gear at U2’s September 1987 Madison Square Garden concert, see below the lyrics.

I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

I have climbed highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
only to be with you
I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

But I still haven’t found What I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found What I’m looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

I believe in the kingdom come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
But yes I’m still running
You broke the bonds
And you loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believe it

But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Clayton Adam / Evans David / Mullen Laurence / Hewson Paul David

A Resource for my post was Elizabeth Blair’s article “In U2’s ‘I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For,’ A Restless Search for Meaning,” at NPR.org.

INTERESTED IN SPIRITUAL DIRECTION ONLINE? I offer spiritual direction online. If you, or someone you know, are interested in beginning or returning to spiritual direction CLICK HERE where you will find both practical information and explanations of spiritual direction. Any questions, feel free to contact me by going to CONTACT on the Menu bar above. Grace upon grace be yours. ~ Dan